Nation Begs Its Smart People To Fix Everything

Overwhelmed by the frustration of being utterly unable to solve any of the numerous difficult problems it faces, a worn-out nation finally broke down Thursday morning and begged its smart people to please just fix everything now. Admitting they had ‘absolutely no idea what the fuck [they were] doing,’ millions of Americans immediately ceased trying to manage the country’s large-scale, ongoing disasters and pleaded with U.S. scientists, economists, educators, philosophers, and inventors to intervene and make things better again. ‘You are good at doing things, and we are bad, okay? We admit it,’ said Cincinnati-area executive Robert Everhart, who belongs to the growing consortium of citizens desperately asking America’s qualified people to take it from here. “So we’re begging you, please grab hold of the reins. We know we said we didn’t need to read any books or have a lot of expertise to do this stuff, but we were wrong. We need your help, and we need it bad.” ‘Obviously we’ve messed things up pretty severely, but we’re fairly certain you can fix them back up,” Everhart added. ‘You guys are really smart.” w/ photos

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How To Make A $5 Fog Machine

“Need that extra Umph for your Halloween party? Store out of fog liquid? Don’t want to cough up the cash for a fog machine? Well, it doesn’t get anymore Household than this. Using some basic household items easily obtained at the market, you can create your own Fog machine for just a few bucks, and we will show you how.” — HH

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Rapping Chinese Teacher

“This teacher has found a new way of teaching the more difficult classes, it definitely gives him more street cred.”

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Dog Poo Game?

A game in which a toy dog leaves ‘little presents’ for children to clean up is set to be one of the best selling gifts this Christmas. The Doggie Doo game gives players a chance to scoop up as much plasticine poo as possible in order to win. The dice game, from manufacturer John Adams, retails for up to $33 and is among this year’s Christmas ‘dream’ wish list for children. This year’s list of ‘must have’ toys – drawn up by the Toy Retailers’ Association – also features Fijit Friends, a fluffy interactive rabbit. It also includes a Fireman Sam Pontypandy rescue set, a hi-tech tablet children’s computer, dolls that double as bedroom lights and perennial favorite Lego. Gary Grant, chairman of the association’s Dream Toys selection panel, said: “This year we have seen some amazing technological advancements from the toy industry.” w/ photo

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Top 13 Bizarrely Shaped Islands On Earth

“There are so many stunning landscapes on Earth, yet nature never ceases to amaze. Islands are often beautiful enough in their own right when seen from ground level: we don’t need to discern any particular pattern in their design. When viewed from above, you might imagine the shape of islands to be random too, but a look at the following images may make you think again. Sprawled out in the oceans, islands can paint many a strange picture. Mother Nature certainly seems to have had a sense of humor in designing them!” w/ photos

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