“Fertile to sterile in 10 seconds.” — Staward

“Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck.” — TheOnion

“Scissors cuts the fuse. It’s a perfect system. Why wasn’t this thought of before?” — D.S

“Kilts, haggis, and Sean Connery.”

“At work our washing machine sounds like its having an orgasm whilst in its spin cycle. Bashing the cupboard doors open and banging the side walls.” — camkozy

“On vacation in New Orleans drinking at the Swamp on Bourbon Street, one of the MC’s tried pulling a lady up on stage for ‘Baby Got Back’ and failed miserably.” — Wickkked

“Those colorful calculators got me hungry… for some knowledge!” — StirCrazy

“Can someone send me the lyrics?” — SpunkWHAT

“Finally, butter and water are together in one delicious product.” — roryandcraig

“A group of monkeys in a Japanese zoo have caused concern, after their ballooning weight is put down to overfeeding by visitors.”