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“Old priest is too shy to buy his own condoms so he tries forcing other people to buy them for him.” — J.F.L
“A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing. The thing — which was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went through the other thing as a loud sound marked the end of the game — was watched intently by everyone in the building. Replays of the thing traveling through the thing were shown repeatedly, in slow motion, and from multiple angles, leaving no room for doubt that the first thing had correctly cleared the second. “That was amazing,” said Jarrod Mancuso, 27, who was rooting very hard for the thing to go through the thing. “I have never been part of something that exciting in my life. When I get older I can tell my kids I was there when [a thing went through the opening of another thing].” “It was a miracle,” he added. Sources confirmed that if the thing had gone too far right or left of the thing, or had clanged off the thing and not gone directly though it, the members of the crowd would have had the complete opposite reaction. “This is what sports is all about!” said jubilant longtime thing fan Kyle Shroyer, who remarked on how amazing it was to be present when a thing was successfully propelled through the other thing at the last minute to ensure a victory. “It doesn’t get any better than this!” w/ photo
“It doesn’t matter what an issue is, there’s somebody angry about it. We’re sure somebody, right now, is absolutely furious that your grocery store doesn’t stock unicorn meat and is writing somebody a letter about it. But there are groups that take even extreme points beyond all sanity. Such as…” w/ photos
“Hidden for centuries, the ancient Maya city of Holtun, or Head of Stone, is finally coming into focus. Three-dimensional mapping has ‘erased’ centuries of jungle growth, revealing the rough contours of nearly a hundred buildings, according to research presented earlier this month. Though it’s long been known to locals that something — something big — is buried in this patch of Guatemalan rain forest, it’s only now that archaeologists are able to begin teasing out what exactly Head of Stone was. Using GPS and electronic distance-measurement technology last year, the researchers plotted the locations and elevations of a seven-story-tall pyramid, an astronomical observatory, a ritual ball court, several stone residences, and other structures.” w/ photos
“This bizarre looking monkey is one of the New World monkeys and is found in the western Amazon of Peru and Brazil. It has a short tail and long golden fur, but its most amazing feature is its head, which is not only bald but bright red. The red coloring is not a pigment like that seen in baboons but is in fact a lack of pigment. The Uakari has so little fat under its skin and is so full of capillaries that the blood shows through to make it red-faced.” w/ photos